Usain Bolt and the Cheetah

It's time for a little training break and there aren't many competitions or playoffs anymore. The sun is shining, many say it's already too much of a good thing. Warmth is nice, it doesn't have to be hot. We're looking for shade and variety anyway and are taking a short trip to the nearest zoo because a flight wouldn't be particularly sustainable for our sightseeing tour. We had to go to Africa because the cheetah aroused our interest. After all, he's on everyone's lips right now. He is even supposed to stop Putin's belligerent army. The poor animal.

Germany's Defense Minister, Christine Lambrecht, now wants to know everything about the cheetah and because she doesn't have much time - there is actually a war going on in Ukraine - she has a Bundeswehr helicopter fly her to the zoo in Nuremberg. There have even been cheetah offspring there. Of course, Ms. Lambrecht lets her son accompany her. He is 21 years old and cannot stay at home for that long without maternal care. He was also recently there when his mother visited the troops near Sylt and then - in private, of course - had a few fish sandwiches on Germany's wealthy island.

Defense Minister Christine Lambrecht. © AFP / TOBIAS SCHWARZ

To say it in advance: the brash and inquisitive minister, who also likes to offer a fine counterpoint to the puzzle cups when visiting her uniformed subordinates in shoes with a slightly raised heel, is quite astonished in Franconia. He is supple, the cheetah. As a high-ranking member of the government, she naturally receives all the information in writing and therefore knows that she is ahead of the fastest land animal on earth. In a computer animation it was shown that not even Usain Bolt would have a chance over 100m against this fast cat, which can run almost 100km/h. That's only for two seconds, because otherwise the maneuverability would suffer, but at least. Puma, Mustang, Leopard & Co. This elegant big cat is characterized by maneuverability and speed. Of course, Christine Lambrecht immediately thinks of her own cheetah, which she would now have to give away. To Ukraine, namely. The proposed tanks got their name from the animal kingdom, which is absolutely no exception in our motorized world. There is the marten or leopard in combat mode or a Jaguar, Puma and of course a Mustang in the civilian car sector. It can be seen that they are always creatures that can be associated with freedom, speed and adventure.

So Lambrecht is impressed. We would be too. But now she's a little depressed. She doesn't like to reveal her treasures, probably because her boss, Chancellor Olaf Scholz, doesn't particularly urge people to hurry in this case. Although Germany has decided to send heavy weapons to Ukraine, the impression is growing that it wants to delay the delivery until the war eventually ends on its own. That would be nice and also helpful because a problem suddenly arose that has nothing to do with the cheetah in Nuremberg, if that can be said about an animal that lives in a zoo and has never hunted in the savannah. There is no food at the moment. In Ms. Lambrecht's case that means: the armored cheetahs have no ammunition. No ammo They stand on the field like stuffed mythical creatures and are unable to live up to their destiny. At the very beginning of Russia's attacks, Ms. Lambrecht or her ministry sent helmets to Ukraine. They could have been felt hats. Helmets against missiles. And meaningless tanks. Apparently Switzerland has ammunition. She is pleased that Germany has also bought them, but prohibits their use, citing the federal “War Material Ordinance”, which states that weapons or ammunition deliveries to warring parties are prohibited. It's a bit like holding food dangling on a long string in front of the cheetahs in Nuremberg. And when they bite, you pull on the leash briefly.

The Swiss regulation would prohibit feeding wild animals. You sell things that are not allowed to be used. The war in Ukraine ruthlessly exposes weak points in Europe. Not just in Germany, where the third defense minister in a row is faced with a shambles. The magic word is shortage management, which is why it naturally hurts Christine Lambrecht that she has to give up these wonderful cheetahs. Of course she knows that they are lost forever. In the best case scenario, she gets her favorites back as a pile of scrap. Burden on the traffic light government That's why she longingly watches the twitching muscles of these fascinating cats in the zoo, even though she can't flex her muscles. It has recently proceeded weakly and, unfortunately, instinctively and is becoming more and more of a burden for the traffic light government in Germany, whose light games have recently become almost incomprehensible. Red, green or yellow and wait for the next flash of inspiration? Not only people in Germany are unsettled, but also those in Ukraine who are expecting help. At least it is comforting that the head of the Bundeswehr now knows more about the cheetah than she did before the war. But in this case, for once, knowledge is not power.

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Usain Bolt and the Cheetah

For a change, our columnist Sigi Heinrich fictionally went to a zoo to learn more about the world's cheetahs, who are now supposed to save the world. Or at least help Ukraine in the fight against Putin's war army. If only there wasn't the problem of ammunition.

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